So, I kind of like this whole blogging thing. It's much more convenient then a diary and it's personal in a positive sort of way. I suppose instead of bitching and contemplating life out loud, maybe I'll just blog for once. So here's a blog.
Today is Sunday. Daylight Savings Time, people. I swear to God it's never affected me this much before, it's the oddest thing in the world. Kathryn, you know what I'm talking about. It's not like I'm really old anyway, I haven't lived to see too many of these. Good God, I'll be 24 soon.
Today I thought a lot about my daughter. Soon it will be the first anniversary of my divorce, and today I studied Elaina all day: how she has changed, how life affects her, whether she's truly happy or not. I really want to get her a puppy. I used to have a boxer/pit pup when I lived in Chicago. Her name was Lilo, my ex-boyfriend Mike and I got her from a friend who was moving to Hawaii. Lilo I miss Lilo so much. She was such an amazing puppy; I can't even begin to say. She had so much soul, she was so alive. She slept on my pillow with me every single night, her paws sticking straight into the air. She loved children, she loved other dogs. She loved everything. I remember how sad I was to leave her, it still burns to think about it, and it was well over 3 years ago. God, has it been 4 years now? I stopped counting. She cried with me the day I left, and it was one of the two worst feelings I've ever experienced in my entire life. I wonder how she is, I wonder if she remembers me.
In the few conversations I had with Mike, after the breakup, he would throw in my face the fact that she slept on my pillow every night, and looked for me all day long. Mike Olenski, you had officially had succeeded in making me feel like shit. Not like you needed to bring her into it to accomplish the task to begin with. Sorry for breaking up with you the way I did; apparently, I am not a relationship professional. Hope things are well for you.
Anyway, I've always liked pits. So I've decided to move out of Denver and adopt a pit pup for Elaina and myself. Mark, please don't have a heart attack. Now I'm contemplating what suburb to move to. I DEFINITELY will NOT live in Highlands Ranch. Never, not ever, ever, will I live in Highlands Ranch. Littleton is too far. I really like living in Central Denver, it's such a convenience. I really wanted to move to the Highlands, but that won't be happening because of the puppy. So, everyone - throw some ideas at me. Englewood? Thought about it, not sure yet. I suppose that's #1 on the list of the convenient suburbs, but I really don't like Englewood. Not sure why, it's just an overall vibe thing. I'd love to live in Boulder, but it's too far west. Thornton/Westminster - too far North? Not really, downtown is pretty close. I'll figure something out eventually—I think. I'm going to stay down here for another month.
I sold my car this week. My friend Marcus bought it - thanks Marcus! Now, I need my new car to get down here from Grand Junction. Going back to the roots, my oil-stained fingers are burning. I'm getting another 240SX! Good God, I've missed RWD and perfect weight distribution! But my seller is weird: I left him a voicemail to call me back with the VIN so I can run Carfax on it, and he hasn't called me back yet—weird. I'm still excited though, I can't wait! I'm especially excited for Laney and I to have it, she'll LOVE it!
What else I guess I'm enjoying peace these days. I had to change my phone number last week. (Tee hee, ninja). It's been nice and quiet. I added up the total number of people that know it: 11. Stalker still comes by and leaves things on my car, haha. Got some flowers this morning, thanks-psycho. I can't wait to move.
Other news, what other news is there? There's lots of news. I'm enjoying solitude, enjoying my daughter. I'm ready for spring, and even more so for summer. My Wiseman has officially pissed me off to no end. I think I'm finally getting over the whole thing. It's such a strange feeling. Anger can serve as great medicine. I saved conversations, bits and pieces of our conversations over the last months. I clutched onto them and hovered over them every time that I needed anger material. Well, so glad I kept them. Wiseman, I thank you, for everything. My train has now left your station. Physically—at least. Mentally, I'm sure I'm still madly in love with you. But I'm over it :). I send thee kisses on the forehead. Be good, dear.
I suppose that's about it for news. On agenda this week: finish up all the promo for the next three shows: exciting!!!! Also, month-end at work. Speaking of work, I've completely re-discovered the love for my job. I went in yesterday morning and just cleaned my entire desk. I'm so ready for tomorrow, ready to tackle the day. I love my job. I hate the company, but I love my job. And my three-year anniversary there is coming up. Ironic: April 20th. Even more ironic: they hair-tested for drugs. Thank God that, I'm a goody two-shoes when it comes down to that sort of thing. I did smoke pot about 3 months before I tested for that place.
Just one more VERY exciting thing on the agenda: beautiful weather! I took Laney out a lot this weekend, I can't wait to do it all day, every day! I talked to Mark last night about giving her a haircut and he's ok with it :). Yay! I can't wait to cut her hair. She has the most beautiful hair: long straw-blonde curls. Actually, it's identical to my hair as a child. But it needs some shaping up. She's two and has never had a haircut. So, I can't wait for that. :) She has been so cuddly lately, I love it. Night-time is the right time. Geoffrey, you said it well. Now she will not fall asleep unless we've cuddled for at least a half hour. It's that feeling of dependency that really satisfies me. There's nothing that I enjoy more then taking care of someone else.
I recognized that need when I was still in high school. Still to this day, I keep on falling for men that need ME, not men that I need. I think it's something that I learned from my mom: taking care of people. At the same time, I was completely conscious of my lack of need for "love", and I realized I never wanted to get married. I always just wanted a child, a daughter to enjoy life with. I guess my motherhood instinct kicked in really early: I remember being 15 and taking life in, puberty and all. I realized then that I wanted to produce life, I wanted someone to love unconditionally until the day I died. And a child would be it. Relationships come and go, but a parents’ love is forever….
I thought about that for a long time, day in and day out while sitting on the beach, looking at little children. Even at that age, the differences between the two genders are amazing: little girls have such grace at three years old. And boys are mischievous all the time :). It's cute. I would sit on the windy beach at Berwyn in Chicago, looking at them play, planning and imagining the sort of parent I would be. I wanted a little girl back then. I think its just a natural thing for girls to want daughters. Who knows, I am probably wrong. But I wanted one. I wanted a little girl with pride and grace, with long curls and eyes as wide as the sky. We would live in a little cottage with a big purple couch, tons of books, wooden floors, and lots of art supplies. I daydreamed about picking daisies and making hair-wreaths with them, painting and drawing, singing, playing guitar in the middle of the field close to home, sewing dresses, and skirts, playing dress-up with old clothes, and writing stories, songs, books, while weaving life through. And, I have it, I finally have it. Except we live in the heart of the city, but we have a big purple couch, wooden floors, and a cottage-like home. There's a crab apple tree in my front yard and we lay under it and look at the sun through the branches when the weather is nice.
Yesterday the first flowers bloomed outside my door. She was so joyful when she picked them, it put the biggest smile on my face. Today we finger-painted ourselves purple, almost head to toe. We went outside for a bit, but it was windy. Later we went for a drive and sang our hearts out in the car. She learned to sing "Mister Mister" to one of P-Nuckle's songs. We watched Blue Planet in French while we were at home, and made fishy faces every opportunity we got. Now it's late, and she's asleep. And I suppose I should get up and clean the place. But, I am enjoying this happiness right now. I'm happy to be alive, I'm happy to have my daughter and happy I have this life with her. And in a strange way, I'm happy to have nobody to taint it. I figured long ago that bringing a man into this situation, introducing her to someone else would be a bad idea. And I'm glad I stuck to it. The wise man was convenient :). I do wish you would have met her, I wish it sometimes. I guess it was just that I cared enough about you to want you to meet her. But now I'm glad you didn't.
Good night, world, time for me to tackle the kitchen.
Currently listening: Janis Joplin - Greatest HitsBy Janis JoplinRelease date: By 31 August, 1999
Posted at 8:44 AM
EKENYERENGOZI Michael Chima posted at 1:03 PM
You should also publish this very senstive post on oprah.com and share your precious moments with others who are not in a hurry to jump to the next blog.
God bless.
Dr.John posted at 6:19 AM
A great post but just a bit long. If you want people to read ot you might think of breaking posts like this into three or four posts. I'm glad you have your daughter and that you care so much about her.
« Home
EKENYERENGOZI Michael Chima posted at 1:03 PM
