Friday, April 28, 2006

When the wise become the ignorant


Irena the Croatian

Friday, April 28, 2006

I've learned that no matter how long my lashes are, there is no such thing as too much mascara. I've learned that $0.85 can buy me dependability at any point in time - it comes in a brown wrapper with "Hersheys" printed on it, I've learned just how well a good friend can chase a funk away.

I've learned that I'm weaker then I thought, that feeling empty is feeling full, that the shit I'm given isn't free, that nothing in this world is free. Not the air we inhale, not the stones that we toss. Not even the souls kicking inside us, screaming and laughing. Everyone is imprisoned by something, somebody, and there is a dollar figure on every fucking thing that exists, one way or another.

I've learned that $4.18 can buy me a twenty-pack of nerves, a twenty-pack of peace, and twenty-pack of sanity. And then, there are my things to rely on: mascara, a Hershey's bar, a good friend, and a pack of cigarettes. For the sick days, for the mentally drained days, for those days when the wise men lose their wisdom; and, the ignorant bask in their bliss.


For the days when their shadows pay me a visit, they dance before me, to no music, when they kiss, one has no lips. They make love, but one feels nothing. They connect and they unite, and the wise become the ignorant (in the worlds of) yesterday (and) today.


Posted at 6:48 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Brief Note #1

This is a simple annoucement. My side bar now includes rentable space for othe bloggers to advestize their wares and their point of view of the world. My first tenant is "the fire within" give them a click and check out their blog....thank you.

Posted at 8:19 AM 0 comments

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Cut too short

by Irena the Croatian

Current mood: sad

I've been pretty damn sick this whole week. The Expendables stopped into town, stayed, hung out and played three Colorado shows. Thursday 420 with P-Nuckle @ 3 Kings Tavern - close and convenient. Yesterday - Friday @ Zippers in Pueblo, and they're playing at Sherpa & Yeti's in Breckenridge tonight.

They have to be some of the nicest, coolest guys I've ever met in my life. I spend a lot of time studying them every time they stop in, the way they behave around each other, how organized they are and how much fun they have anyway. They are more like a family then any other band that I've ever met and known. These guys are each others best friends, brothers, fathers, and everything in between. A perfect balance between hard work and hard play - that's my definition of The Expendables. And they're always so goddamn nice to me. Even Ryan when he's drunk, and that's a big deal. Thank you, Expendables. Hats off to you, my dears and dearests.

Well... on with the whole 'cut too short' thing. Were you at the Pueblo show? I went. Kathryn and I drove down there last night. Left Denver at 8pm, made it just when they had started playing. The venue was called Zippers. It's a fairly large bar/grill with a pretty nice stage, two bars, some pool tables and other miscellaneous bar entertainment items. The ceiling on one side was covered in this weird foil-like material. The front of the venue was all glass from floor-to-ceiling, and inside the walls were composed of painted concrete brick. Kevin did sound for them, and did damn well, I was really impressed. They sounded great. The crowd was into it, everyone was grooving; there wasn't a single person in the entire place that wasn't feeling it. It was a great atmosphere, it really truly was.

Cut too short. Horribly while at it. This was just way too close, it really was. You know, I drive past drunk driving victim memorials pretty frequently. I never let the entire heaviness of it hit me. But last night was just too close. Way too close. At about 1am, a drunk driver flew over the curb with his car and landed inside the venue sideways. Moments later the entire street was blocked off, you couldn't count the number of police cars and ambulances, the fire truck, you name it... Blood, body bags, people screaming, crying... The venue was cleared out in a matter of minutes. Kathryn and I stayed a bit after, we sold merchandise last night, so we tore that down, packed up, counted the money and walked out a short while later. Left behind us was the band and the staff.

Nobody smiled. Kathryn and I tried to laugh about things that we'd normally laugh at, but it burned beneath the surface. Way too hard. We were both shaking, the entire way back. Drunk driving... a horribly poor judgement call. I really don't want to say anything more about last night. But I will say one more thing; it etched something I already know even deeper into my brain. About 10,000 times deeper than I had ever thought it could.



Please don't drive drunk. Not only for yourself, but for everyone else too. Because every person in this world means the world to someone else. They may have a 2-year-old child at home, they are somebody's child, somebody's best friend, somebody's everything. And we aren't the ones to take that away.

Posted at 1:33 PM 0 comments

justincapable

by Irena the Croatian

Current mood: bitchy Category: Blogging

Yes, it's a Katenacism. Theirs about 4 people in this world who will know what the words "just incapable" mean to Kathryn and I. And oh, they mean ever so much to me. Because every time I'm feeling down, I tend to think about the incapability of the just, and it makes me smile. Hell, it makes me laugh; always, a picker-upper.

I've been in a shitty mood since Sunday morning. Poor Kathryn's been trying to get me out of my funk since then, and she finally succeeded with that phrase... "just incapable". Surprised, that it took us this long to come up with it... :) But was it worth it or what? The mere discovery of it brightened up my entire day. Thank you, Pirate Black Booty, I heart ya!

Now... it's morning. And I'm feeling REALLY pissy. I'm craving chocolate like no other, I feel like chopping everyone's head off and I've just remembered the name for that too - PMS. I'd like to apologize in advance for anyone who happens to feel my wrath today. Or tomorrow, or for the next week - really. So sorry, it's a natural cycle. I'll try my hardest to contain it as best I can, but I am not in a position that would enable me to make any guarantees.

Have a good day; come to 3 Kings on Thursday


Posted at 11:47 AM 0 comments

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A public announcement (or two, or three) and just rambling

by Irena the Croatian

It's April 16th! Last night at the Gothic was GREAT. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone that came out and had a blast with us. It was a happy show, it was a sad show. Those that were there know. Thank you for taking your time and your money to support some of the best local music in Denver. If you only knew how grateful all of those guys are, you'd never miss another show, and you'd make sure your friends and family didn't either.

It's Sunday. The Expendables are getting into town this week to play the 420 show with P-Nuckle. If you haven't heard of The Expendables yet, go back to my main page and listen to my profile song. Then click on view, add them, and if you're 21, make sure to come to that show. Don't forget, P-Nuckle will also be doing a live in-store performance at Headed West (Broadway & Evans) for their 420 party. Crazy sale specials, free food and drink, sweet sounds of the P-Nuckle... don't miss it. Oh yeah, it's free.

While on the whole 420 flow; I'm proud to say that I've kept my friends count at 420 for over a week now. And I'm even more proud to say that I physically know or MySpace.com know/message/network with about 99.9% of them. So thank you, MySpace.com friends, I love you :).

Dig the flyer for the 420 show; I'm still recuperating from spending the insane amount of hours on it that I did. It's my favorite P-Nuckle flyer yet, and thanks all of you for your nice words about it, I really appreciate it. It's kind of like payoff for staring at my computer for 9 hours and making it with this little teeny tiny button mouse on a Windows 2000 platform.

I've got crazy rambles about this weekend, about past week, about the past 6 months, and as in my previous blogs, I could go on forever. But I won't. I guess I'm kicking the whole 'forget about it' thing. And I like it that way. Just forget about it.

Everyone, have a great week, see you at a P-Nuckle show soon. And that's a threat.



Posted at 5:51 PM 0 comments

Right!

Editors note: Irena the Croatian is a guest blogger who musings can be found at Myspace.Com, and with her permission is reposted in One Paradise View…

By Irena the Croation

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Right! Happy Wednesday! I'm sick as a dog, I can't stop coughing, I've got a raging headache, my body feels like I just went out on a date with the fifth battalion, every time I stand up vertigo kicks my ass, and I managed to break 104 degrees on the thermometer. I didn't go to work today; I stayed home with Elaina all day. Early evening, stalker visits. And what does he leave for me? A f*$%ing dead rat! Yeah. A dead rat; in a Safeway bag. With it's damn tail sticking out of the stupid bag. F&%@er, you have outdone yourself. At first I was laughing. I thought it was funny that he had the nerves to put this dead rat in a grocery bag, put it in his car (I presume he drove here), and leave it at my door. Then I got pissed off. Then I kind of got concerned. But it only lasted for a minute, and during that minute is when my whole night got fucked up.

I had the nerves to tell someone that I was concerned. And I 'misinterpreted' their response. But that person in particular... well... it's a complex situation. Let's just say that I care about that person a lot. And, every little thing that this person happens to do I dissect, study and ponder for hours on end. And tonight, it was the wrong response, and the wrong conversation following the response, and everything was just wrong. In the aftermath, I'm sitting here half asleep, withering somewhere between anger and sadness. I'm confused. I'd like to be angry, but it feels wrong. If it really was the truth, I am sorry. They could have found a better way to tell me so, though. I wonder if he ever even thinks about what it feels like on this end of the table. I know everything and then some about interpretation, perspective, self-control, blah blah blah. And I slipped. I surely did. Thank you, PMS. It must be PMS. Women ARE psychotic.

Happy Almost-Thursday.


Posted at 8:59 AM 0 comments

Work Vent II

By Irena the Croatian

Monday, April 10, 2006

So, it's important to me. I posted it as a bulletin, but in case you missed it... Here's what I've had to deal with today. WTF?!?!

OK, just a quick one!

Stupid T1 connection at work today SUCKS!

There's a tax auditor from the state that's cracking me up. He's wearing gym shoes, a pair of dress slacks (dark gray), a blue short-sleeved dress shirt, bowl cut galore, and he won't shut the f%@# up at all; I don't get it! Even if you aren't saying anything back, he keeps on talking and talking and talking. I could go on and repeat (or give an example) of what he says, but it would be much like my last work-related vent. And I don't want to put you guys through that, seriously…. Grrrr!!!


Posted at 8:03 AM 0 comments

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Reveling in the glories of early morning motherhood

by Irena the Croatian

I came up with that statement a few months ago when a friend of mine called me and asked what I was doing. At the time, my toddler was running around the house naked, screaming, not wanting to get dressed, knocking everything over and throwing fit after fit after fit... I was flustered, frustrated, at the end of my nerves and ready to cry. So I took it out on him... he asked how I was, and I screamed it back at him. It stuck with me and it pops back into my head every so often.

Elaina is two, I've gotten used to this 'parenting' thing by now. This morning she ATE a cube of chicken bouillon. Yeah. She ate one. Not a whole one, obviously. I got to her in time, but she took off quite a bit of it. So she threw a fit when I took it away. I was in the kitchen attempting to make her something else to eat, I walked out in the living room and she had taken all her clothes off and was lying on the floor. I have hardwood floors. She was lying down naked. Disgusting, then she wanted to have a bath. So it's 10am, and I'm giving her a bath. She didn't want to get out until 11 am. By 10am I had already made 3 different things for breakfast. She didn't eat any of them and insisted on having her gummy fruit snacks the entire time. Now it's 12:30pm and I've cooked lunch twice.

The kitchen is a mess, and the living room looks like a tornado came through it. I still have about 3 loads of laundry to do, I need to go to work at some point, I have to re-design the Gothic Flyer for black/white printing, and I have to go stand outside of the Gothic tonight to promote. I turned in my notice at work on Monday so now I need another job. I need to move too, I need more space. I'm just gonna start screaming.

But the good news is Elaina is sitting about 7 feet away from me and eating the 3rd lunch. And her eyes are ever so blue, her hair ever so blonde, and she has the happiest, most content look on her face. And strangely enough, everything seems ok. :) She is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I am so grateful to have her, because without her, my mornings are boring; and, everything has a different light to it. Absolutely everything does.

Naptime...


Posted at 12:00 PM 1 comments

Monday, April 03, 2006

Happy Spring!

by Irena the Croatian

Current mood: happy Category: Blogging

So, I kind of like this whole blogging thing. It's much more convenient then a diary and it's personal in a positive sort of way. I suppose instead of bitching and contemplating life out loud, maybe I'll just blog for once. So here's a blog.

Today is Sunday. Daylight Savings Time, people. I swear to God it's never affected me this much before, it's the oddest thing in the world. Kathryn, you know what I'm talking about. It's not like I'm really old anyway, I haven't lived to see too many of these. Good God, I'll be 24 soon.

Today I thought a lot about my daughter. Soon it will be the first anniversary of my divorce, and today I studied Elaina all day: how she has changed, how life affects her, whether she's truly happy or not. I really want to get her a puppy. I used to have a boxer/pit pup when I lived in Chicago. Her name was Lilo, my ex-boyfriend Mike and I got her from a friend who was moving to Hawaii. Lilo I miss Lilo so much. She was such an amazing puppy; I can't even begin to say. She had so much soul, she was so alive. She slept on my pillow with me every single night, her paws sticking straight into the air. She loved children, she loved other dogs. She loved everything. I remember how sad I was to leave her, it still burns to think about it, and it was well over 3 years ago. God, has it been 4 years now? I stopped counting. She cried with me the day I left, and it was one of the two worst feelings I've ever experienced in my entire life. I wonder how she is, I wonder if she remembers me.

In the few conversations I had with Mike, after the breakup, he would throw in my face the fact that she slept on my pillow every night, and looked for me all day long. Mike Olenski, you had officially had succeeded in making me feel like shit. Not like you needed to bring her into it to accomplish the task to begin with. Sorry for breaking up with you the way I did; apparently, I am not a relationship professional. Hope things are well for you.

Anyway, I've always liked pits. So I've decided to move out of Denver and adopt a pit pup for Elaina and myself. Mark, please don't have a heart attack. Now I'm contemplating what suburb to move to. I DEFINITELY will NOT live in Highlands Ranch. Never, not ever, ever, will I live in Highlands Ranch. Littleton is too far. I really like living in Central Denver, it's such a convenience. I really wanted to move to the Highlands, but that won't be happening because of the puppy. So, everyone - throw some ideas at me. Englewood? Thought about it, not sure yet. I suppose that's #1 on the list of the convenient suburbs, but I really don't like Englewood. Not sure why, it's just an overall vibe thing. I'd love to live in Boulder, but it's too far west. Thornton/Westminster - too far North? Not really, downtown is pretty close. I'll figure something out eventually—I think. I'm going to stay down here for another month.

I sold my car this week. My friend Marcus bought it - thanks Marcus! Now, I need my new car to get down here from Grand Junction. Going back to the roots, my oil-stained fingers are burning. I'm getting another 240SX! Good God, I've missed RWD and perfect weight distribution! But my seller is weird: I left him a voicemail to call me back with the VIN so I can run Carfax on it, and he hasn't called me back yet—weird. I'm still excited though, I can't wait! I'm especially excited for Laney and I to have it, she'll LOVE it!

What else I guess I'm enjoying peace these days. I had to change my phone number last week. (Tee hee, ninja). It's been nice and quiet. I added up the total number of people that know it: 11. Stalker still comes by and leaves things on my car, haha. Got some flowers this morning, thanks-psycho. I can't wait to move.

Other news, what other news is there? There's lots of news. I'm enjoying solitude, enjoying my daughter. I'm ready for spring, and even more so for summer. My Wiseman has officially pissed me off to no end. I think I'm finally getting over the whole thing. It's such a strange feeling. Anger can serve as great medicine. I saved conversations, bits and pieces of our conversations over the last months. I clutched onto them and hovered over them every time that I needed anger material. Well, so glad I kept them. Wiseman, I thank you, for everything. My train has now left your station. Physically—at least. Mentally, I'm sure I'm still madly in love with you. But I'm over it :). I send thee kisses on the forehead. Be good, dear.

I suppose that's about it for news. On agenda this week: finish up all the promo for the next three shows: exciting!!!! Also, month-end at work. Speaking of work, I've completely re-discovered the love for my job. I went in yesterday morning and just cleaned my entire desk. I'm so ready for tomorrow, ready to tackle the day. I love my job. I hate the company, but I love my job. And my three-year anniversary there is coming up. Ironic: April 20th. Even more ironic: they hair-tested for drugs. Thank God that, I'm a goody two-shoes when it comes down to that sort of thing. I did smoke pot about 3 months before I tested for that place.

Just one more VERY exciting thing on the agenda: beautiful weather! I took Laney out a lot this weekend, I can't wait to do it all day, every day! I talked to Mark last night about giving her a haircut and he's ok with it :). Yay! I can't wait to cut her hair. She has the most beautiful hair: long straw-blonde curls. Actually, it's identical to my hair as a child. But it needs some shaping up. She's two and has never had a haircut. So, I can't wait for that. :) She has been so cuddly lately, I love it. Night-time is the right time. Geoffrey, you said it well. Now she will not fall asleep unless we've cuddled for at least a half hour. It's that feeling of dependency that really satisfies me. There's nothing that I enjoy more then taking care of someone else.

I recognized that need when I was still in high school. Still to this day, I keep on falling for men that need ME, not men that I need. I think it's something that I learned from my mom: taking care of people. At the same time, I was completely conscious of my lack of need for "love", and I realized I never wanted to get married. I always just wanted a child, a daughter to enjoy life with. I guess my motherhood instinct kicked in really early: I remember being 15 and taking life in, puberty and all. I realized then that I wanted to produce life, I wanted someone to love unconditionally until the day I died. And a child would be it. Relationships come and go, but a parents’ love is forever….

I thought about that for a long time, day in and day out while sitting on the beach, looking at little children. Even at that age, the differences between the two genders are amazing: little girls have such grace at three years old. And boys are mischievous all the time :). It's cute. I would sit on the windy beach at Berwyn in Chicago, looking at them play, planning and imagining the sort of parent I would be. I wanted a little girl back then. I think its just a natural thing for girls to want daughters. Who knows, I am probably wrong. But I wanted one. I wanted a little girl with pride and grace, with long curls and eyes as wide as the sky. We would live in a little cottage with a big purple couch, tons of books, wooden floors, and lots of art supplies. I daydreamed about picking daisies and making hair-wreaths with them, painting and drawing, singing, playing guitar in the middle of the field close to home, sewing dresses, and skirts, playing dress-up with old clothes, and writing stories, songs, books, while weaving life through. And, I have it, I finally have it. Except we live in the heart of the city, but we have a big purple couch, wooden floors, and a cottage-like home. There's a crab apple tree in my front yard and we lay under it and look at the sun through the branches when the weather is nice.

Yesterday the first flowers bloomed outside my door. She was so joyful when she picked them, it put the biggest smile on my face. Today we finger-painted ourselves purple, almost head to toe. We went outside for a bit, but it was windy. Later we went for a drive and sang our hearts out in the car. She learned to sing "Mister Mister" to one of P-Nuckle's songs. We watched Blue Planet in French while we were at home, and made fishy faces every opportunity we got. Now it's late, and she's asleep. And I suppose I should get up and clean the place. But, I am enjoying this happiness right now. I'm happy to be alive, I'm happy to have my daughter and happy I have this life with her. And in a strange way, I'm happy to have nobody to taint it. I figured long ago that bringing a man into this situation, introducing her to someone else would be a bad idea. And I'm glad I stuck to it. The wise man was convenient :). I do wish you would have met her, I wish it sometimes. I guess it was just that I cared enough about you to want you to meet her. But now I'm glad you didn't.

Good night, world, time for me to tackle the kitchen.

Currently listening: Janis Joplin - Greatest HitsBy Janis JoplinRelease date: By 31 August, 1999

Posted at 8:44 AM 2 comments