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by Gregory Kirk Stewart There are many ways to be greeted, a nod, a handshake, a wave, a wink, or a kiss; nonetheless, numerous. In my Introduction to Sociology class, I am supposed to greet a stranger or whomever with a greeting kiss. For Americans, this is out of the social normative, meaning it is not what “we” do normally in everyday action. More precisely, by the textbook definition, “norms,” “normative/s,” “social norms,” are the established standards of behavior maintained a society. In this case, I am referring to my immediate surrounding community of Denver, and my co-workers, schoolmates, family, and friends.
Let me start again, I decided initially to do this, by this I mean the experiment for my sociology class, but later thought better of it. The experiment became to stressful, distracting, and overwhelming scenarios spun within my head of “how should I do this?” “Under what conditions should it is approached?” Or was it simply an “out of the norm” experiment, where my own my bias—and my own hang ups were getting in the way?
The experiment was about stepping out, outside the social norms, see what reactions occurred, and then—explain, if need be, the over the line experiment. I could not do it—say for one exception.
Let me explain, the “greeting kiss” oft reflected as an European and Latin gestures in foreign films—and in reality—are not part of the United States “normative” culture, with a couple of caveats. This considered “out of the norm behavior” can be tolerated at bars, faux party, and or after intimate relations upon departure. Such greetings are often fad like, here in the US, and must be establish within an “in-group” (those like us) scenario “clickish” behavior.
As seen from an “insider” perspective must lay the foundation for outrageous behavior that such it considered the “norm.” However, viewed from the outside of the “in-group” the behavior will appear deviant. I, nonetheless, am not with such a group—not now anyway. Nor am I in a setting where reality can be pushed to the sidelines, such as science fiction convention, where such behavior may not be considered outside the “normative.”
So this was my dilemma, my life consisted of work, school, sci-fi Friday, work, school, sci-fi Friday, friend with benefits, work, school, sci-fi Friday—so on and so forth. I do not associate at bars, I have not been at science fiction convention in more than a year, and to be truthful, the novelty of school has seen better days. For a number of reasons, on the average, I am twice the age of the average college bound student. Second, as such the priorities have shifted from youthful fancies. Third, behavior like “hanging out” with students, who are considerably younger than me, would not be considered part of the “norm,” unless of course, I share similar interests, which for the most part I do not.
Oh, I may like some of the new generation’s music; I may even enjoy it. A good song is good song, but the convention of the “greeting kiss,” to return to the subject, here within US is not part of the social norm. And yes, I understand that this was a sociology experiment; nonetheless, stretching outside of the “norm” within the realm I wished to endeavor, at the least, for the moment, or for that matter, willing to risk my own personal comfort.
With that said, there are times, when exceeding outside of the “norm” is wanted, necessary, or desired such things for me, as an older student, understood the premise of the exercise (this is the benefit of being older).
I am wrapped in my own comfortableness of knowing what my boundaries are, and knowing when to violate them.
This “violating” as defined by sociology—is simply, the going beyond, or outside, or disruptive, or out of the ordinary behavior of what is considered normalcy of a culture or a society. This “greeting kiss” is such an item. For instance, the “greeting kiss,” if you will, was a form of identifying other Christians, being part of the body, and later became transformed. “ritual kissing” as identified by Michael Penn, in his article “Ritual Kissing, Heresy and the Emergence of Early Christian Orthodoxy,” was a standard part of greeting, prayers, euchorist, baptisms, and ordinations” (Penn, p 625).
In the fourth and fifth century, the “ritual kiss” became something more, it morphed into something more of apolitical naturel. According to Penn, a division within Christian orthodoxy used “ritual kissing” as a tool for heresy (Penn, p 627). How this “ritual kissing” and “greeting kissing” in some European countries became the social norm has not been sufficiently researched by this author—but I will contend that it was born from early Christian identification.
As put forth by Penn, the “ritual kiss” was part of their “norms” for Christians. He asserts, “Apostle Paul and most authoritative patristic […] supported its [ritual kissing] practice” (Penn p 626). He further accounts for Mary Douglas, an anthropologist, of the “correlations” of the “physical” and the “permeability” of the “social body” (Penn p 627). In other words, the symbols, and physical acts are represented—and attributed to the rituals of the society.
This is true of “ritual kissing,” or the “social greeting kiss,” or even proclamation of knighthood by the Queen are inevitably are transmitted into the cultural mores. How the “social greeting kiss” became unacceptable within the US culture and separate from our European ancestry may be interesting point of order for another paper. Nonetheless, the “greeting kiss” is not part of the norm of American culture—say for one—the elite. Or more appropriately the “faux royalty” of American society, identified as celebrity, which comes in the forms of movie and television stars, politician, and old money jetsetters display “their” groups social norms for each other in “faux air kissing” or the “greeting kiss” (one on the right cheek).
However, my lack of participation in such an experiment for sociology was more of the reflection status of where my time is being spent than a social corrections or preconceived “social perceptions” of such displays. My current group set, if you will, was not predisposed for experimentation. Nevertheless, if my family lived in town (they are in California), the “greeting kiss” may have been appropriate.
I can see it now, with my three sisters and mom, as I greet each with a greeting kiss, in the tradition of Netherlands, right-left-right. At first, they would find it curious—but later go with it. I think may be suspicious of me (my motives)—pondering, “What does big bro want?” Of course, I will not explain my gesture unless asked, and even I will deflect—and state “just because I love you,” which is not a lie—and is a true sentiment.
I love them all dearly. I will, at the least, get a pity look—from them. And then it will begin, the onslaught of questions: how am I , how is work, school, and who is current love interest is—and that soulful disappointment look that I am getting married anytime soon. And I, of course, will sit there absorbing their pity and their unconditional love that is family—and unbridled with sisterly and motherly affections—will accept their attention. It will be tough task take—but I am after all—big bro.
The other possible scenario was not out of form of the box was after intimate relations. To show one’s mate the tenderness and kindness—not immediately after coitus, but in its “after glow”; the situational relaxation and affection of intimacy. To give the “greeting kiss” as a “departure kiss” may be considered as “the norm”—and outside of the normative.
I recently did this with my friends with benefits, she reciprocated in kind. Her reaction, in fact, seemed to become even more warming and affectionate. A week later, I greeted her with the “greeting kiss.” There was no peculiar look, no suspicious eye—just a warm feeling of familiarity. We sat and talked for quite a while, the usual “stuff” that brought us together had shifted from the foreground to the background. The status of our relationship had been transformed; not because of a “kiss” but maybe because of a shifting of “our” attitudes, and maybe because of the “season” ; we both had family members die during the “holiday season.” This is as an aspect for consideration.
We both know that, neither of us will be extending the relationship beyond its “practical” function, but we as individual share, for the moment, a closer heart beat, to fill the void of despair. Nonetheless, it shall not be more than that—school and careers are too important to us. Hence, the reason for the discussion, she and I felt a different sense of urgency the last time together, and from time to time we re-evaluate our status of our beneficial relationship. In many ways, it is very clinical at times. It is what happens, when you are dealing with anthropology major, and a medical student. We both get lost in our fields of study—and worlds of academia.
As for looking upon “the greeting kiss,” the timing of it as such was merely coincidental. After a fashion, most of life’s experiences are a series of coincidences. The “greeting kiss” is another aspect of this, whether accepted or viewed as a taboo, the “greeting kiss” reveals that the layers of social instruction of a society is dependent upon its willingness to adjust to what is consider its “norms”—and how long it will be considered deviant.
This is what I mean, the longer deviancy is sustained, the easier the absorption of the behavior into culture normalcy. At one point of time, Christianity, Hindu, and Catholicism were considered out of the norms—but now have been co-opted from within society. The lack of co-option of the “greeting kiss” within American culture may be due to several possible explanations. Too many to elaborate on in this paper, nevertheless the “greeting kiss” has its own cultural rules within American society. For me this experiment relied on many subjective “social controls.” As defined by Richard T. Schaefer book “Sociology 10th Edition”, “the techniques and strategies for preventing deviant human behavior in any society” (p 179). And for me, these particular controls “conditioned” my own muted response. Now, I feel, I have left the experiment unresolved, and untested—but my own realization of this maybe a tribute to the experiment itself. The true experiment is how one place values, ideals, and behavior, in and out of society’s view and its purview enabling the enaction of the outside the group societal behavior. So, I leave with departing “greeting kiss” of the Netherlands—right, left, right. Good day.
Bibliography
McElhinny, Bonnie. “’Kissing a Baby Is Not at All Good for Him’: Infant Mortality, Medicine, and Colonial Modernity, in the U.S.-Occupied Philippines” American Anthropologist, Vol. 107, Issue 2, pp 183-194.
Penn, Michael, “Ritual Kissing, Heresy and the Emergence of Earthly Christian Orthodoxy” Journal of Ecclesiastical History, Vol. 54 No. 4: October 2005.
Schaefer, Richard T., “Sociology 10th Edition,” McGraw-Hill Co. (2006).
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